The Chronicles of Stephon Marbury - Episode 1: The Interview
A look into the mind of a certified lunatic. It’s the offseason… and Stephon Marbury of the New York Knicks doesn’t have **** to do.
Some of you may not be completely familiar with all these jokes. Go HERE and watch EVERY minute of the three videos at the bottom of the blog entry. Some hilarious stuff!!! Then read this article.
"It’s the off-season!" [image2]
Stephon Marbury: Man.
I am so ******* high.
What was I just going to do? Man, I don’t even remember.
"Back to TRL’s Top 10 Countdown with host…"
****!?!? What’s that blinking box of sounds over there? The colors are so flashy. What’s with all the light? It’s soooo hard to keep my eyes open. How does it stop? Man it’s annoying. It’s been like four minutes, I need a line or somethin.
Ah. That’s like the most pleasure I’ve ever had… times 3,000. Yeah… ah… times 3,000 at least. 3,000. Wasn’t that a movie or sumthin? ****. I don’t remember what it was called, but it sure was kick***. All those tanned dudes runnin around in loinclothes. No shirts, no chest hairs… man, that was intense.
Man… I know there was a reason why I busted out the goods. It’s so hard to remember things. My fingers are sooooo tingly. Wow. I just did this thing with my eyes where they get all crossy and moved my fingers really slow… and it looks like I’ve got 10 fingers! On each hand! Think how many assists I could get every game with 20 fingers. That’s like double the amount of fingers of everyone else except for Gerald Green. So, that would like… double my total assists to like, twelve per game. And ten dimes! Wow, what a trip. I can’t believe I have twenty fingers.
**** you phone, always interruptin my thought processes.
Marbury: Who dat?
Female: Hey Steph, it’s…
Marbury: Look woman, I already told you… that ain’t my kid! Now be gone wit yo broke ***!
Stephanie: Steph, it’s your sister Stephanie!
Marbury: Don’t be playin no name games with me. That’s my name.
Stephanie: Just listen. What the heck were you talking about in that "Mike’d Up" interview last week? Just give me ten seconds…
Marbury: No! I ain’t answerin anymore danged questions in ten seconds or less. Stop. I won’t answer!
Stephanie: Have you seen what people are saying about you?
Marbury: I mean yeah, I know everyone’s always sayin how great I am… I just try not to let it all go to my head, ya know. Jus keep it simple like dat.
Stephanie: Huh? Steph, everyone is crucifying you!!!
Marbury: I know I’m good, but I ain’t no Jesus. C’mon now. Quit wasting my time. As soon as I can get back to rememberin what it was I was doing, I got stuff to do.
Stephanie: Haven’t you read the papers or checked out the blogs?
Marbury: You know I don’t read no papers. Those little black letters attach themselves to all my fingers when you do too much readin. That **** ain’t cool.
Marbury: Why would I need to go check out some logger? My house made of stone you know. Haha. I’m more stoned than my house right now!
Marbury: I said be gone!
Marbury: Whew, I never know who’s voices gonna come through you Mr. Phone. So scary, yet so futuristic at the same time. That’s some crazy ****. I swear Mr. Phone only rings me when I’m trippin on the good stuff. Last time, when Stern’s fatty voice talked to me, man… that sucked. He wouldn’t shut up. I dint even know half those big confusing words he was a blabberin.
Ok, where do I keep that computer thing? Man, it’s so hard to grab things when I can’t see. Even though I have 20 fingers it’s not helpin.
(Picks up I-Pod)
There you are Mr. Music Box. Man, I love you and your happy songs. How cool would it be if I could just think what song I wanted to hear and then Mr. Music Box just started playing it? Man, that would be so tight. And what if you didn’t even need those ear plug things and the sounds would just go from the Music Box straight to your head. That would me soooo amazing. Man, I could like, leave this here and listen to music all day long even if I wasn’t home. Someone needs to invent that. I’d buy it.
I wonder if Isiah would buy me one? He always gives me so many things I don’t have to earn anyways. Like when I got to play last season… and every two weeks he gives me lots of money. And I don’t have to do anything for either of them! Man, life is freakin great.
Ok, there’s Mr. Computer Machine How do I go to that "TWolvesblog" or whatever it is. Man, the screen is so dark, how do I read this stuff? Let me turn on a light. ****, now the screen is just black and shiny. This thing sucks. Wait a second…
(Turns on computer)
Now I’m in business. Ok, my agent showed me how to do this once. Ok, T-W-O-L-V-E-S-B-L-O-G.C-O-M. Allllllright. Ohhh, this is pretty. I think the magic voice said forums. Ok, here we go. "Insane Steph Marbury Video/Interview" thread thingy.
Whatever a College Wolf is… I never saw any Wolves when I was at Georgia Tech. This was obviously supposed to say "Insanely… Awesome," I’d guess. Whatev.
Wow. That’s so cool! I click on that line thing and a new box opens up… and there’s ME from last week! It’s like a time machine. This computer thing is awesome! Wow, there’s me talking to Bruce Beck. **** I look sexy. I am sooooo good looking. That suit is so sexy. Man, it’s such a great contrast to my skin tone. Man, I am one fly dude. How am I so incredibly good looking? My head is sooooo bald. What a close shave. I am the man. I am the baldest, sexiest man that show has ever seen.
Wait what is this… ?!?!
"He must be blazed"
"trippin on acid or something"
"That’s honestly one of the worst things I’ve ever seen in my life"
"this is a MUST SEE!"
Marbury: Snakesonamotha******plane! I wasn’t trippin for dat interview. Or was I? ****, I don’t even remember. Man, my memory has been so bad lately. I guess, yeah…I must have been high. I mean, look at the pants I am wearing with that suit. That’s some ****** up ****!
Doesn’t every man call his woman a "ho?" I know mine is. Hell, I caught her with three dudes last week. Nappy *** ho.
Dude makin fun of my sister.
Whoa. That is NOT cool.
That’s my sister. My namesake. I just love her so much. When we don’t keep it in my pants, we keep it in the family. I mean, who doesn’t passionately kiss their own sister? I mean, geez. We do that all the time. We just… we just love each other so much. When I’m holding her body against mine and my shirt’s off, and you can just feel the steam, and then she licks my earlobes and braids my back hairs. I mean, that **** is special man. I just… I just love her like a sister man. Ain’t nobody goin be talkin bout my sister like dat. Dat **** is ****** up!
"100 on the Unitentional Comedy Scale"
Marbury: What the heck is that? Everything funny is intentionally funny to me… except this TWolvesblog stuff. This **** is whack.
"Marbury is certifiably INSANE. I’m serious. I-N-S-A-N-E"
Marbury: Ah Mr. School Wolf, I ain’t insane man. I was just Hiiiiiiiiiiigh as **** for that interview.
I don’t even know what I took before that. That was one of my all-time greatest concoctions. Bruce Beck is such a flake, I had to get freakin high as a kite to be able to sit there with him. ****, that nine minutes seemed like nine days. I’ve taken shorter naps than that interview.
Marbury: Ahhh man, how do I talk to all these mean words? There are sooooo many of them. Doesn’t anyone here love me? How come all these pictures are for different players? Where are all the pictures of me? This is the most bogus Timberwolves thingy ever. There is no way they can have a tribute to the Timberwolves without pictures of me.
I was the greatest player ever on that team. I can’t believe White Kevin traded me. Man, he forced me to leave, that sucked. I wanted to stay there forever. Too bad they didn’t pay me as much as Isiah does. I love Isiah. I should try to call him on Mr. Phone.
Ahhhh **** this place, it’s so mean.
Do I have time for one more line? Nah, I’ll save it for tomorrow night when I watch The Notebook. That **** makes me cry if I’m sober.