The Chronicles of Stephon Marbury - Episode 2: Loungin’
A look into the mind of a certified lunatic. It’s the offseason… and Stephon Marbury of the New York Knicks doesn’t have **** to do.
Some of you may not be completely familiar with all these jokes. Go HERE and watch EVERY minute of the three videos at the bottom of the blog entry. Some hilarious stuff!!! Then read this article.
"It’s the off-season!" [image2]
(Takes massive bong hit)
(Takes another massive bong hit)
Stephon Marbury: Man…
I am soooooo hun-gar-rey.
I just want to eat. Something. Anything. I wonder if I have any cheese slices. Man, those little squares of orange are soooo tummy pleasing. Shizzle, I don’t have any. Ah… I just want some cheese. Or some sausage. Sausage would be sooooo good right now. Hold on.
(Takes another bong hit for good measure)
Stephon Marbury: Whaaaow. Where am I? I’m gonna have to remember to get more of these Taoistic Far Eastern Bob Marley Experimental Greenie Greens. I need to hang out with Shawne Green more often. I sure hope Isiah trades for him. This is mind blowing. I don’t even need my usual 14 hits before my fingers disappear. I could fly higher than an aeroplane. I bet if I jumped out of an aeroplane I could definitely fly. I could fly so far. Man. Now I understand why R. Kelly believed he could fly.
I’m soooooo starving. Why aren’t peanuts green since they are made out of peas? That’s so trickily deceptive. What has both cheese and sausage combined in one bite? I just want some cheese. Wait a second. I need to order some pizza. Yes. Pizza would be spectaculicious right now. I could definitely eat all five pizza’s in that Domino’s "5-5-5" deal. I would even eat all the crust. Man, I just love the crust. The crust is like waking up on a day off but you really think it’s a Wednesday and have to go to shootaround at like noon. That sucks so bad. I hate praticing shooting. I’m soooo good already. Everyone else on my team needs to go to morning passaround. Everyone else needs to practice passing. To me.
Where are you and your shenanigans Mr. Phone? I know you be round here somewheres. No funny ringing business today. I be doin all the dialin.
(Finds phone and dials Domino’s)
Domino’s: Hello, this is Domino’s. Would you like to try our special today?
Domino’s: Umm… what was that sir?
Marbury: I need me some pizza. I want it made out of cheese. And sausage.
Domino’s: Ok… you want one pizza?
Marbury: **** no woman, I want your "5-5-5" deal. I want all five pizza’s to have extra cheese and sausage.
Domino’s: Sir, that is 3 pizza’s for 5 dollars each.
Marbury: What? ****! I want FIVE pizza’s.
(Lights a blunt. Takes 3 hits.)
Domino’s: Um, what was that?
Marbury: What? Are you gonna give me five delicious pizza’s or what? I’m doubly starving now. Wow. I haven’t ate for days. At least it seems like it. Wowowowow… my fingers feel soooo weird. I know I am holding Mr. Phone because I can see it in my hand, but I can’t FEEL it!
Domino’s: Is this a joke?
Marbury: No way Ho, when you are this hizzigh there ain’t no jokin. Unless you are a comic. Or a clown. They could still make jokes. Funny ones too. Are you goin to cook my ‘Za or what?
Domino’s: Ok… ummm, five pizza’s will be twenty-five dollars sir.
Marbury: I can’t give you what you want if you don’t have it!!!
Domino’s: … ok, I am going to hang up now.
Marbury: No! I want my ‘Za. Delivery it to the greatest Knicks point guard ever, me. I can pay straight cash when it gets here.
(Hits the Blunt)
Domino’s: Stephon? Are you… high? Again?
Marbury: What? ****! No. I’m Ste-PHON Marbury and don’t you forget it. Just delivery me the ‘Za and make it snappy.
Domino’s: Ok, we have your address on file from last weekend. It will be approximately 35 minutes.
Marbury: What?!?! ****! I’m freak-a-leakin starvin!
Marbury: Geez, I can’t believe how long that much time is. It’s like more than half an hour but less than 2 hours. And five dimes. What? What am I talking about. What time is it? I can’t even see.
(Finishes the blunt)
Marbury: I’m so bored. Only 24 more minutes until the pizza comes.
Marbury: Given the choice I wonder if it would be cooler to be a sea lion or unicorn?
Definitely a unicorn.
Marbury: I wonder what fatso is doing.
(Calls Eddy Curry)
Marbury: Hey fatty, whatchadoin?
Curry: Huh? Stephon?
Marbury: Uh, yeah. I just wanted to call you and let you know that I just ordered FIVE ‘Za’s.
Curry: Whoa really? How about I finish up this Red Lobster buffet and then come over and help you polish them off?
Marbury: **** no fatso. You need to go on a diet so that you can actually convert my dimes into dimes. I’m sick of you not dunking my passes when they are so awesomely excellent.
Curry: You only passed me the ball 7 times last season. I counted.
Marbury: Yeah I know. I had like 8 dimes. Per game. Hey fatty, if you run all the way to my house before the pizza comes you can have some. Will you oink for me? Just a few oinks please?
Curry: What? No thanks. Eat it yourself. ***hole.
Marbury: Whoa. Awesome. I coulda sworn dat I only talked to Fatty McFatterson for like 2 minutes. And now it is 8 minutes later! Whoa. Thank you Mr. Phone. You are like a time machine.
I wish I didn’t use up all my acid last night. I love mixing chemicals together. I feel so smart. Like a doctor but for like science. Nothing goes better with a fat J than some acid. It’s so fun to talk to reporter people on acid. It’s like… so confusing for them. They make all these weird faces and totally have like no idea what I tell them. It’s like I’m talkin cryptic to them. They can’t even understand simple English. Someone needs to teach those people. How they get to be reporters without edge-ucations? I bet I could teach all those people. Somebody gotta teach all those people. Dat’s for sure. Fools. All of em.
Marbury: I wonder if I set my clock ahead the ‘Za will get here sooner? ****, I have no idea. I just want to eat.
I wonder what "Yes sir!" is doin?
(Calls Zach Randolph)
(yeah, I’m in this business of terror, Got a handful of stacks better grab an umbrella…
I make it rain)
(I make it rain on them hoes, I make it rain… I make It rain
I make it rain on them hoes, I make it rain… I make it rain)
Marbury: Are you at strippers?
Randolph: Uhhh….. (Click)
Marbury: Man, I swear hez got some kind of problem. You don’t see any of us tru team playa’s messin round in the off-season like that.
Wheeeeeeeeeeeeerrrrrrrrrrrrre is my ‘Za?
It’s been at least like 45 minutes by now.
Why are they sooooo slow?
I hope they aren’t lost. That would be a terrible waste of ‘Za.
Marbury: For ****’s sake. This is redonkulous. I’m never getting ‘Za from this Pizza Hut again. Or was it Papa John’s? ****. I don’t know. I’m so hungary I can’t remember. I’m hungrier than a hippo. I’m probably hungrier than a whole hippo family. I bet I could eat a whole hippo family. Easily.
Marbury: Given the choice would I rather be a coconut or a pineapple?
Gosh, that’s such a hard one. Pineapple’s are so prickly like Fatty Stern, so that’s a plus I guess. I bet pineapple’s make their own rules out there in the jungle. Actually, I know they do. Pineapples are sooooo bad***. Pineapple’s probably own coconuts. Who want’s to be a nut anyways? Nuts are way smaller than pineapples. I’m definitely not a nut.
It’s always something makin scary loud noises! I hate my house.
Voice: Pizza’s here!
(Opens the door)
Marbury: What the **** took you so long? It’s been hours. Days. Ok, it’s been at least hours.
Domino’s Guy: Actually sir, I’m two minutes early.
Marbury: Whaaaa? Get out of here… ha! Ain’t that some ****!
Here’s a phat two dollar tip. I can’t wait to eat. Now leave me.
Marbury: Man, that took for freakin ever.
Thank god I have no friends so that I don’t have to share these pizza’s.