The Chronicles of Stephon Marbury – Episode 3: Dogfighting In Italy
A look into the mind of a certified lunatic. It’s the offseason… and Stephon Marbury of the New York Knicks doesn’t have **** to do.
Some of you may not be completely familiar with all these jokes. Go HERE and watch EVERY minute of the three videos at the bottom of the blog entry. Some hilarious stuff!!! Then read this article.
"It’s the off-season!" [image2]
Ahhhh, what a peaceful Saturday. It’s the off-season, Woohoo and I’ve got nothin else to do. It’s so great just sitting around my massive house all by me self. I can’t wait to smoke my brains out. As long as no one disturbs me all weekend I will be golden. I just want to bask in the smoke of buddah’s great green leaves. I can’t wait to smokity smoke the day away. Ahhh what could be better? Nothing probably. I could increase the awesomeness of my situation though. Like, if I had some spicy curly fries with some mild dipping sauce. That would be good.
(3 hours and 22 hits later)
Stephon Marbury: Oh boy.
I am sooooo stoned.
I’m more stoned than the Berlin wall.
Is it possible to be more hiiiigh than this? I don’t think so. Maybe if I was a hot air balloon…
I feel like one of those shape shifting billboards that change their pictures. Whoooaaaaw… I can feel every blood vessel in my body pulsating. Maybe I am a hot air balloon? Maybe I am sooooo high I’m actually floating through the sky RIGHT NOW. Maybe the sky really looks like the inside of my house and maybe floating through the sky is really like sitting on my couch? Holy **** is it possible to be more gone than this?
Maybe I’m dead?
Maybe this is heaven…? Weed Heaven?
Being in Weed Heaven would rock. Maybe I could get this high just by smelling it. I wonder what weed God would be like?
How do I know if I really am dead? I can’t move off this infernal couch. It’s sooooo soft. I’m just like, stuck. Stuck in these cushy comfy cushions. Time is moving soooo slow. According to Mr. Clock it’s been 1 minutes since I last smizzoked some drizzzo.
Woooowowowowoww. I’m either dead. Or really high… or dead.
Mr. Phone I told you last time not to be sneakin on up in my business! Show some frickin respect ****it!
****! Stop it Mr. Phone you are scaring the **** outta me!
Ahhhhh I swear… I don’t be sneakin up on you and making freaky deaky noises behind your back so WHAT GIVES!?!?
I will give you this Mr. Phone, you are one persistent mother******!
(Answers the phone)
Stephen Marbury: I guess I’m not dead.
SM: I thought I was dead. Turns out I’m just really hig… tired.
SM: Whaddya want anyways.
Voice: Stephon, it’s your agent.
SM: Jerry McGuire?
Voice: (Hearty laugh)
No, it’s me David Falk.
SM: Oh snap. Were you on The People’s Court? I think I saw you on TV last week. Woooow awesome. I love that ****.
David Falk: Are you ok?
SM: Please define "ok" because I sure am something!
(Takes a bong hit)
Hey. I’ve got a question for you.
DF: Sure, what?
SM: Who is the greatest singer ever?
DF: I dunno… ummm, Bruce Springsteen?
SM: WRONG! Nope, it’s Wesley Willis! That dude is caaaarazy!!! His music is so bomb. Dude, he’s like a genius. I get soooooo hungry whenever I hear "Rock and Roll McDonalds." Man, what a big fat legend. That’s why he’s hot.
DF: Huh? I’m not sure that I follow you… Anyhow, I need to talk to you. Lately, you’ve said some things publicly that I think are hurting your image.
SM: Nah man, everybody looooooves me. Who wouldn’t? I’m such a nice guy. Giving those ****y basketball shoes to kids and whatnot. Man, I’m so good on the court too. Best point scoring guard in the L. You know Osca Robertson? Yeeeah, he was pretty good huh? I mean, like the best ever? I’m not saying I’m not better than him, but I’m just saying. My legacy of basketball will bring me closer to God next year on the court.
Next year I am easily gonna average like.
(******* I am so high. What was I gonna average again? Gosh it’s so hard to remember how good I am without making up unrealistic numbers.)
SM: Like 9 points, 11 assists, 4 rebounds, and like…. 22 dimes. Per game. Book it.
DF: Well… (laughs) I hope you do a little better than 9 poin…
SM: Higgity Diggity. Did I really say 9 points? ****, what I really meant to say was 99 points! Per game! Now that we have the lefty southpaw Zach RANDolph on our team there is no stopping me… errrr… I mean us. Did you know he can dribble? He can make a layup. He can shoot a shot. He can rebound. He can pass to me. He can dribble with his other hand. He can make a free throw. He can defense. He can guard. He can shoot a deuce. He can shoot a fadaway. He can shoot a leaner. He can shoot a bankshot. He can pass. He can score. He can boxout. He can set screens. He can make a college three. He can make an NBA three. He can make a high-school three. And he could even make a three back in the day before they had those curvy long three-point lines on the court. He can even pass!
DF: … ok. Stephon, I don’t think you understand how grave this situation is. You’ve been spouting off to the media in the past few weeks. Honestly, what you said wasn’t too smart. Do you remember? In defense of Michael Vick, you said dogfighting was a sport! What were you possibly thinking?!?!?
SM: Ah, man. It ain’t no different than like shooting Bambi or something. In some countries they even shoot queers. Mike, he’s my *****. We tight.
DF: Noooo! Regardless of what you believe, you just CANNOT be saying stuff like this in public interviews! Don’t you understand?
SM: Understand what? I’m just giving the peoples what the peoples want to hear. Think of me as "The Peoples Mind." I come to speak truth and justice. I just tell it how. It. Is. It was just a dog, or two, or eight.
DF: Dear god.
SM: Everyone be building up Mr. Vick just to tear him down. Everyone wanna see a black man fail. Well, it ain’t his fault he’s soooo shifty and quick and awesome at football. He’s even a lefty southpaw like Zach. He can pass. He can run. He can throw. He can evade. He can skuttle. He can throw. He can’t really win games, but who can blame him with that team? I know I can’t! I know where that man be coming from. I can’t do it all either! We are two peas in a piper.
DF: You are crazy.
(Takes bong hit)
SM: Eee wuz jus in da wraong sitchuation at da wraong tiiiiiiiiiiime.
SM: Ahhhhhhhhhhhh…. That was golden. Wow. Man. Amazing. Just what I needed.
DF: No Stephon… what are you talking about anyways? What was amazing?
SM: Uh… nothing. Like I said, he couldn’t help it his old friends took advantage of him and his property while he wasn’t there. He was just trying to win football games. Man. Why you media people always trying to tear a successful BLACK man down? Vick hasn’t done anything wrong. He ain’t no snitch. He ain’t done killed any people. Who hasn’t fought some animals or killed something non-people before? Geeez.
DF: I’m your agent, not some "media people." Please Stephon, I’m trying to help you.
(Whoa. I feel like I’m floating but I still haven’t left this couch. I’m getting sooooo hungry. My hands are all itchy. I wish I had a comb here so that I could itch my hands with them. Sometimes you have to itch until the skins comes off cuz nothing else stops the itch. Sometimes I feel like there are millions of tiny bugs all over my body. I really want to watch TV.)
SM: Will you bring me some food? Cajun chicken with sprinkles please. Wait. I also want spicy curly fries with some dipping sauce. Mild.
(Yessss I remembered! I’m so money.)
DF: Seriously. You’ve gotta work with me here.
SM: Work? You talking bout work?! WORK!?!? It’s the Off-season. O-F-S-E-E-S-O-N. I only work during the On-season. Think I work for free in the summer time? That’s my chill time. Dude. Not cool.
DF: I’d ask if you are on drugs… but well… I guess I don’t really want to know.
(Takes bong hit.)
DF: You also said that you quote "wanted to play in Italy when your contract expires?" unquote. Are you serious?
SM: hahahahahahahaha. Lolz.
(I was soooooo high when I writed that on my blogs! I was soooo high I didn’t even remember writing that until like 2 weeks later. Bwahahahahaha.)
SM: Yeah, serious as a tumor. Amani Toomer.
(Wow… that was soooo witty. He’s like a pass catcher in football. And like, Michael Vick plays football. And he’s like a ball thrower. So he could like throw the ball to Amani Toomer and it would be like a good play. And since we are talking about Michael and having this discussion. And then, hmmm… I can’t believe Mr. Agent Man didn’t comment on how witty of a comment that was by me. That makes me slightly sad.)
SM: I dunno. Go on.
DF: You could still get probably one more big contract here in the states. Why would you pass up that kind of money?
SM: Man, I gots forty millions coming to me the next two years. I don’t done need anymore cash. Plus, I heard dogfighting is cool and stuff amongst the locals over there in Italy. Mr. Vick and I are totally getting a house together. Plus, my Main Ho likes the landscapes and prettiness and all other Italian bullcrap.
DF: You’ve got to be kidding me.
SM: What? No man, she really likes all the trees and hedges and the lakes and stuff. Plus, she said there is beautiful sunrises every morning. I wouldn’t know, I don’t get up that freakin early! Crazy Ho.
DF: That’s not what I’m talking about… you aren’t going to move into a house with Michael Vick and begin dogfighting in Italy? Tell me you are joking.
(Takes Bong Hit)
SM: Duz dis mophukka sownd like eez jooooooooooookin?
(Wow that was the best hit yet. Splendid. I am sooooo not low right now.)
DF: Ok, well you move to Italy if you want. Move in with Michael Vick if you want. I don’t care anymore. It’s your life so do whatever you want. Whatever is best for "Starbury."
SM: Thanks Secret Agent Man. I’m glad I’ve got your blessing. My Main Ho agrees that it will be awesome too. I haven’t told her about Michael movin in yet though. She’ll just have to accept it or that Ho will be out on the street faster than you can say "I’ll be dogfightin and playin ball in Italy and livin with Michael Vick and all the peoples will love me cuz I’m a staaaaaaaaaaaaaar!"
Plus, I heard they might start drug testing in the NBA? Is that right?
DF: I have no idea. I don’t think so… why would you care?
SM: No reason. But it’s really hard to pee into that really small cup with someone watching. Plus, I’m so great at life that my pee is like totally way more than what fits in the small cup and it ends up overflowing and going all over my hands cuz once I start, I can’t stop the flow… ya know?
DF: I’m going to pretend like I didn’t just hear that. Lastly… I’m sure you’ve heard, but your buddy Isiah has been indicted.
SM: Woohoo am I invited too?
DF: INDICTED. Not "Invited."
SM: ****, that sucks. What does that mean?
DF: Well, he’s gotta go to court because of sexual harassment charges and I think they are going to ask you to testify as well.
SM: Holy Hotlanta! All my sex has been completely un-harassed. I usually don’t even have to pay. When does this go down fo sho?
DF: I don’t know. It won’t be for another month or two, so you don’t have to worry yet.
SM: I ain’t worryin. The feds ain’t got nothin on me. Just tell me what to say and we’ll be fine.
DF: Stephon, I’m your agent… not a lawyer.
SM: Whateva you say Angela Lansbury.
SM: Well. Anyhoo… it’s still the off-season and that **** shouldn’t be cutting into my free time.
Peace out homes!
SM: Not for another month or two? Whew. For once I thank you Mr. Phone.
(Takes another bong hit.)