So I did what I do whenever I meet someone new and want to give them a chance to be my friend: I researched them on the internet, hardcore. I read player page after player page and bio page after bio page and unearthed a list of stats that you need to know about each player on the Minnesota Timberwolves. We’ll start with stats for two guys that most Timberwolves fans are real geeked about; Al Jefferson and Corey Brewer. Now, these are not the typical crappy NBA style 6-8, 205 lbs 13 rebounds a game type of stats. These are real stats. These are important stats. These are:
The REAL IMPORTANT stats
They grow ’em big in Mississippi. (pronounced Meh-sipy by the locals) At 6-10, 256 lbs Al Jefferson is a grown man. Am I impressed that he averaged 42, 16, and 9 in highschool? No, sir. Am I impressed that he was the first highschooler ever drafted by the Celtics? Nah. You know what impresses me about Al Jefferson?
- Al Jefferson once got a speeding ticket on his way to practice. What’s impressive about that? Al Jefferson runs to practice.
- Al Jefferson’s eyebrows are so thin because he told them to stop growing… and they listened!
- Al Jefferson is so tough that when he was getting his first tattoo the tattoo was like, "Dang, this Al Jefferson hurts."
- Al Jefferson can name all 54 states. I know what you’re thinking. But, Liston. There are only 50 states. Al Jefferson can see the future.
- Al Jefferson drinks lava straight from a volcano.
- Al Jefferson weighed 41 lbs when he was born. And he had all of his adult teeth.
- Al Jefferson uses jalapeno juice and tiny pieces of glass as eye drops.
- If a bear attacks you you should play dead and if a shark attacks you you should gouge it’s eyes out but if an Al Jefferson attacks you, well, it was nice knowing you.
- Al Jefferson will get your girlfriend pregnant and then tell you to make him a sandwich.
What’s the most impressive thing about Corey Brewer? His back to back NCAA Championships? Nope. His being named the 2007 Final Four Most outstanding player? Try again. His being named to the 1st team all SEC in his Junior year? Not even close. Need some help guessing? Here’s a hint: it’s his baby afro.
Corey Brewer’s baby afro once rescued an orphan from a burning building.
- Corey Brewer has to walk his baby afro every night or else it gets cranky and destroys shoes and furniture.
- Corey Brewer is tied for 28th on Florida’s all time leading scorer list but his baby afro is tied for 3rd.
- If you stare directly at Corey Brewer’s baby afro you’ll turn to stone.
- I once saw someone heal a sick baby simply by nuzzling it next to Corey Brewer’s baby afro.
- My Ipod can hold 2,500 mp3s. So can Corey Brewer’s baby afro.
- Corey Brewer’s baby afro can jump start a car.
- Corey Brewer’s baby afro operates photoshop with with ease.
- Corey Brewer’s Baby afro once scored four touchdowns in a single game for Polk High.
- I remember the first time I saw Corey Brewer’s baby fro in person. I was coming out of a store in the mall as Corey Brewer was walking by. I looked up and was like,"Man. That thing is nice. How long did it take you to grow that?" And the baby fro said, "Oh, about 21 years."
After reading those stats who could logically argue that the Timberwolves are a lock to win the title next year? Nobody, that’s who. Check back next week for The REAL IMPORTANT stats on Marco Jaric, Sebastian Telfair, and more on Corey Brewer’s baby afro.