You Can Still Achieve Your NBA Dreams (Just exploit a small child)

* I’ve been working on this program to help people achieve their NBA Dreams. This is the pitch that I’m supposed to give to several self help groups and churches next week. Let me know where it can be strengthened.


The Hook:

Do you want to be part of the NBA but lack the athletic ability, drive, determination, dedication, heart, courage, mental toughness, physical toughness, work ethic, basketball I.Q., and skill level to be a player or coach? Are you a person of low moral guidelines and questionable ethics? Then I can help.

Competition for NBA roster spots and coaching positions is politically vicious and downright nepotistic. As the amount of dollars generated by the NBA increases the moral standard of our sporting culture decreases and that’s where your entry into the exclusive NBA world lies. You may not possess any of the necessary aforementioned skills but you do possess a half-hearted desire to be in the NBA and an extremely low moral base and that’s all I need to get you in.

The Origination:

I, like you, love the NBA. Since I was a child I dreamed of being a part of it, but as I grew older I learned that I possessed neither the athletic prowess to be an athlete nor the mental capability to be anything more than a lifelong customer service employee. Fourteen years of my post highschool graduate life were spent experiencing a fair amount of cognitive dissonance as I secretely wished to be a part of the greatest sport on the planet while I floundered anonymously in my lower-middle management position with an NBA team. Then one day, like a gift from God, the following scenario unfolded: I was pretending like I was working while I happily watched a guy in a wheelchair struggle to reach a book on a high shelf. Try as he might, he just couldn’t reach it. Then Jan, the happy-to-help-because-I-have-low-self-esteem-office-troll strolled over and grabbed it for him. Bam! At that moment I had an epiphany. It was all so simple. I might never possess the gifts to get myself what I wanted, but somebody does. All I had to do was attach myself to that person and I could piggyback my way to my dream. The National Association for the Attachment to Championship Pedigree was born.

The Program:

I’ve created the National Association for the Attachment to Championship Pedigree just for people like you; the disillusioned masses refusing to believe their quitter’s mentality is a valid reason they shouldn’t achieve their unreasonable dream. Our sole purpose is to attach you to a capable human being of that will allow you to live your dream vicariously. After extensive research we determined the varying age levels prime for mental attachment and also identified the necessary tools to establish success. Grown men were already too guarded to establish the necessary bonds to assure your involvement should they reach the NBA. Teenagers were found to be too combative and not receptive enough to the introduction of new adults to their lives. That only left one other category: small innocent children.

How it works:

The National Association for the Attachment to Championship Pedigree is a simple program with an almost unbelieveable success rate. We, the N.A.A.C.P, have representatives scouring inner city playgrounds, Y.M.C.A.s, A.A.U. programs, day care facilities, labor delivery rooms, and OB/GYN offices for destined NBA talent. Our secret scouting techniques allow us to identify the chosen few who will reach the NBA at an almost unfathomable age. We can now identify a potential NBA-er as early as the second trimester of pregnancy!

For a small fee our organization will put you in contact with a destined NBA-er so that you can begin forging your morally absent relationship with that small child in hopes that they will be able to deliver a dream to you that you never could. The more you pay, the younger your contact will be and the easier it will be to manipulate your way into his life, thus guaranteeing yourself a part of his hard earned paychecks. It’s quite simple.

The Types of Plans:

Plan #1

These kids are already the stars of their Y.M.C.A. teams. Why aren’t
you exploiting them already?

This basic plan will put you in contact with a basketball prodigy between the ages of 8-11, just ripe for a parental role model to attach to. You will be introduced to the family as a good natured AAU coach by our highly trained undercover Evil Relationship Counselor. This plan provides you with the following items to help make sure your small child becomes emotionally attached to you:

  • Personal Evil Relationship Counselor-Your E.R.C. will help you sink your fame hungry fangs into the innocent child’s psyche and coerce a loyalty towards you.
  • 2 pair of Michael Jordan basketball shoes- Nothing says "I’m important to you" like buying a child a pair of basketball shoes their struggling mother can’t afford.
  • A bag of candy- Duh, kids love candy.

This plan has a 64% success rate of establishing a lifelong loyalty towards you.

Plan #2

These two could be the next Larry Bird and Drazen Petrovic. Don’t miss out on your part of their paychecks.

This premium plan will put you in contact with an economically disadvantaged basketball prodigy between the ages of 4and 7. Children in this age range are at the second highest level of vulnerability and thus easily tricked into building a loving relationship with a misintentioned adult. One of our highly trained undercover Evil Relationship Counselors will introduce you to the family as a distant cousin whose father is a preacher. Participants of this plan will receive the same items as plan #1 in addition to:

  • Money to pay the family’s electricity bills for 9 months (this will help build a bond with the unsuspecting family as well as the small child).
  • Tickets to a Cleveland Cavaliers game with a scheduled "accidental" run in with Lebron James. (These types of events are the moments that really burn themselves into a child’s memory. You will benefit greatly by being a part of that memory.)
  • A 2001 Nissan Sentra that you can give to the family. Your backstory will be that your father’s (the preacher) church has donated it to them.

This plan has an 82% success rate of establishing a lifelong loyalty towards you.

Plan #3

These fellas are destined for NBA stardom. Will take advantage of the prime brainwashing years and come along for the fantastic ride? .

This ultimate delux package will introduce you to an economically disadvantaged basketball prodigy between the ages fetus to 3 years old. Children in this age range are of prime bond-building age and are extremely susceptible to your relationship brainwashing. You will be introduced to the family as a potential father to the child conceived from a drunken evening in the mother’s shady past. Participants of this plan recieve the same items from plans 1 and 2 as well as:

  • "Positive" DNA test establishing you as the father of the child
  • Negative DNA test (on the extremely rare chance that the child doesn’t reach the NBA.)

This plan has a 96% success rate of establishing a lifelong loyalty towards you.


Are you still not convinced? Maybe these testimonials from two of our most successful customers will change that:

"I was working a ho-hum job just wasting my life away when I met a representative from the National Association for the Attachment to Championship Pedigree. After seeing the stats on the success rate I decided I’d give it a shot. Anything was better than the ordinary wake-up-work-come-home-play-with-kid-kiss-wife-goodnight-repeat cycle that my life had become. I always had dreams of being a player in the league but knew early on I wouldn’t achieve that dream. I purchased Plan #2 20 years ago and haven’t looked back since. I left my wife and kids the day Kobe was drafted. Together, me and my attachee have won scoring titles, NBA championships, and made millions of dollars. Thank you, N.A.A.C.P!"

-David from Philadelphia

"I remeber the day my life was saved by the N.A.A.C.P. I don’t mean in the figurative sense, I mean literally. I was standing on the ledge of my office building about to throw myself off the edge when I saw a pamphlet that caught my eye. It talked about how I could finally achieve my dream of being in the NBA by riding the coattails of a destined NBA-er. Being the person of low moral standards that I am, I called right then. I signed up for the ultimate delux package and was paired with a 6 month old inner city youth named Michael Jeffrey Jordan. Over the next fourty something years I cultivated a relationship with, and mooched off of, the greatest basketball player ever. We’re still together today (that’s me in the picture). I haven’t worked since he was drafted in the eighties and never plan to again. Not only did the N.A.A.C.P. save my life, but they’ve made me richer than my wildest dreams ever allowed me. I’m above the law now. Thanks a ‘million’, guys."

-Ted from Raleigh

results ARE typical

So what are you waiting for? Some small child is just waiting for the opportunity to be exploited by someone just like you. To act now simply send a request for our information pamphlet to:YouAreATerriblePerson[at]

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