With only a mere eight days to go before the ping pong balls seal the fate of John Wall and Evan Turner, (or DeMarcus Cousins depending on which draft board you read) the TWB NBA Draft Lottery Mascot Challege is heading towards its final stretch. There will be three rounds of votes this week before we finally crown our champion next Monday. Below, I’ve tabulated the results from our Sweet 16 match-ups. After you’re done reading them, you can click “Read More” to get to the voting for the Elite 8.
Wolverine – 43%
Fat Spiderman – 57%
Joakim Noah’s Dance Moves – 43%
Baked Man KG Fan – 57%
TV/Movie Character Region:
Macguyver – 53%
Channel 4 News Team – 47%
Bert & Ernie – 62%
Chunk – 38%
Dwight Shrute – 63%
The ‘Toine – 37%
Macho Man Randy Savage – 57%
Marko Jaric/Adrianna Lima – 43%
Mr. T – 61%
Taylor Swift – 39%
Sean Connery – 53%
Natalie Kane – 47%
Click “Read More” below to view the voting for the Regional Finals.
So this is it folks, we have narrowed the field from 68, to just 8. The next three rounds of voting will determine our mascot for the draft lottery and potentially alter the course of our franchise for the next decade. We’ve had some fun in prior rounds with random triple-threat matches, double eliminations, and other wackiness (none of which we believe has actually altered the final outcome), but now it’s time to get down to business. That means no more twists, no more gags, and no more stuffing the ballot box. It’s time for the fans to have their say, one vote per person. We’re trying to swing some major karma that’s been dead-set against us for 21 years and that means we all need to play it straight and pick the right man, woman, or creature for the job! It’s voting time!
Oh, and since we’re not screwing around with the bracket any more, I figured that I’d at least keep it interesting by giving everyone a new set of glam shots.
Athlete Region Final
The Macho Man Randy Savage
The Athlete Region is definitely the most bastardized of the four brackets. Macho Man was not an original particpant in the tournament, skipped the first round, and then entered as a Triple-threat invader. He defeated The Rock and Malibu in the second round, then went on to shock the world by knocking out Marko and Adriana. He now stands only a single vote away from the Final Four. His opponent, Dwight Shrute was also skipped the first round, LOST his triple threat match, and then re-entered the tournament as an Athlete by ruling a double-disqualification in the Adrian Peterson/Joe Mauer tie in the second round. He then went on to beat The ‘Toine in the Sweet 16.
The bottom line is that neither of these two were in the tournament at the start. In fact, Dwight has actually lost once and then been re-entered in a bracket where he has no business participating. Some may argue that our joking around and meddling has destroyed the Athlete Region and sullied the legitimacy of our tournament. I would counter that any tournament that has featured two homeless men, three WWF wrestlers, a gay puppet couple, a child with Down’s Syndrome, a sandwich with two chicken breasts replacing the bread, a 107 year old woman, a mutant piglet, a sex-offender haircut, and Joakim Noah’s Dance Moves probably wasn’t that legitimate from the start. The point of this tournament is to have fun, and to crown a worthy mascot to lead us to the Lottery promised land. Clearly, there was ample opportunity to vote true athletes through to the Regional Final, but the people spoke and didn’t vote for The ‘Toine and Marko last round.
So now the ball is in your court. Do you try and keep things legitimate as possible, and vote for The Macho Man, a athlete in his own right, and some one who’s only questionable trait is that he skipped the first round, even though he’s technically defeated just as many opponents as our regular candidates thanks to his triple-threat victory? Or do you embrace complete ridiculousness and crown Dwight Shrute, who has absolutely no business being here the winner? Personally, I see the virtue in both. It’s time to let the fans have their say…
Celebrity Region Final
We’ve already seen Mr. T vs. Chuck Norris. Mr. T vs. Sean Connery may be equally as epic.
Let’s start with Mr. T. Last round, he was facing off against the formidable and lily-white Taylor Swift. The teen pop star was fresh off some brutal defeats of Kanye West and Lil’ Jon. She had already taken down two prominent African American stars and was looking to make Mr. T her third. However, the blinged-out one would have none of that racist foolishness. He not only took out Swift, but in doing so created racial harmony as evidenced by elderly jungle fever evidence above.
On the other side of the match-up is Sean Connery. Good ol’ Sean, knowing that Mr. T had already taken down the legendary Chuck Norris, has decided to up his game. In the photo above, he’s matching Mr. T tit for tat in the ridiculous costume department. T’s outfit is obviously a classic, but Connery’s wardrobe may be equally as humorous yet intimidating.
I can’t begin to predict a winner here. Part of me wants to argue Mr. T’s strength of schdule, taking down Chuck Norris and Taylor Swift. On the flip side, Sean Connery has defeated more opponents so far than any other participant in this tournament, knocking out Nick Nolte, Richard Nixon, Hugh Grant, and Natalie Kane. It’s a toss up, pure and simple!
TV/Movie Character Region Final
This Regional Final is the ultimate battle of a favorie vs. and underdog. There was little doubt in my mind that Macguyver would be sitting here in at the end of this corner of the bracket. On the flip side, never in a million years did I suspect we’d see good ol’ Bert and Ernie make it this far.
If I had to lay money down right now on the winner of this tournament, I’m betting Macguyver. The man has it all. A hilarious mullet coupled with the ability to fight crime with science. The man has stopped hundreds of terrorists using only office supplies and warded off a nuclear holocaust with a feather duster and a roll of duct tape. Next Tuesday, we’re we’re looking for a mascot who can turn around 21 years of bad luck using only a ping pong ball. Is there a better man for the job than Macguyver?
Don’t think for a second that I’m trying to bias the vote, because there was no bigger B&E fan in 1984 than DeROK, himself. Bert and Ernie’s story through this Mascot Challenge has been a touching testament to the power of man-love. They set the stage by knocking off Cameron and Mitchell in the first round, solidifying them as the tournament’s all-male power couple. Then, they toasted the Stay Puff’t Marshmallow Man, and melted Chunk’s Truffle Shuffle. Now, the odds have never been stacked higher against them. Yet instead of cowering in Macguyver’s presence, they’ve enlisted the help of some other ambiguously gay children’s characters and are seeing this tourney through to the end. No matter how this match-up turns out, Bert and Ernie have taught each of us that man-love conquers all!
Random Region Final
Fat Spiderman vs. Baked Man KG Fan – does it get more random than this? My goal was to get everyone new photos for this round, but after scouring Google Images for “fat spiderman”, I came to realize that there can only be one. Had I sent either one of those wanna-be’s into this match-up, it would’ve spelled certain doom. As it stands, this may very well end up the most lop-sided of our battles anyway, with Baked Man being the home-town favorite.
So why vote for Fat Spiderman? I can’t give you an eloquent answer like I did for Macguyver or Bert and Ernie, but if you can’t look at Fat Spiderman and realize why he’s an amazing mascot candidate, then maybe you don’t understand what this tournament is all about. Any one with some muscles or a gun can fight terrorists, secret spies, and wrestlers. It takes guts to squeeze your 260 lb. pear-shaped frame into a spandex super hero costume and rock it like you had the abs of that guy in 300. It’s going to take the same amount of guts to bring home the #1 pick next Tuesday.
And that brings us to our eight and final candidate, Baked Man KG Fan. Some readers may or may not have complained that we were propagating negative stereotypes of African American men with our conjectured photo of Baked Man KG Fan. After all, none of us know what Baked Man looks like. In fact, he may not even be black. I’m sure lots of white people smoke the changa and listen to gangsta rap and maybe we were wrong to just “assume”. So in an effort to reverse racial profiling on this blog, I’ve selected the following image for BMKGF. Let’s stop the negativity and spread the truth that African Americans can not only succeed and become the President, but they can also function as valuable members of society in everyday roles like doctors, lawyers, teachers, and, well, astronauts. Thank you, Baked Man, for that important lesson.
BMKGF would also like to remind you that nobody get’s higher than astronauts.
So that’s your Elite 8! Please remember to vote responsibly and avoid stuffing the ballot! We need to send the people’s mascot to Secaucus!