Round 1 of the TWB NBA Draft Lottery Mascot Challenge was a rousing success! We now up the stakes as last week’s winners face off against each other for a shot at the Sweet 16. There will be humor, surprises, and fights to the death! What are you waiting for? Let’s vote!
Joe Mauer vs. Adrian Peterson
After knocking out their first round opponents, the two biggest stars on the Minnesota sports scene will face off in a battle for a spot in the Sweet 16. I’m sure that this one will come down to whether we have more Twins or Vikings fans on the site, however, as an outside observer, I pose this question: If Adrian were charging down the 3rd base line towards Mauer at home plate, does Adrian kill him, or does Mauer hold onto the ball and save the run?
Click “Read More” below to view the rest of our match-ups!
The ‘Toine vs. Oliver Miller
Two of the largest ex-Wolves in history face off in an attempt to eat each other. ‘Toine is brining the shimmy and Oliver is bringing the shake. Only one can survive!
Then again, I don’t possibly see how you could eat Oliver Miller and live…
Triple Threat Match: The Rock vs. Malibu vs. The Macho Man Randy Savage
Ben Rothlisberger’s Rapist Mullet vs. Marko Jaric/Adrianna Lima
If I was a betting man, I’d pretty much wager the house on Marko/Adrianna, knowing how much everyone slobbers all over the guy. I still stand firm that he did nothing for the Wolves but submarine the KG era. I know I shouldn’t try to influence the vote, but keep in mind that it is not Ben Rothlisberger that’s been nominated, but rather his sex-offender haircut. Big difference. It’s a rare and beautiful thing when a man’s mouth says “I’m Innocent”, but his hair screams “I’m guilty”. There’s not a jury in America that wouldn’t convict Big Ben on the grounds of his mullet alone. Do we even need a trial?
Mr. T vs. Frodo Baggins
Mr. T is coming of a huge victory over Chuck Norris. Either of those two could’ve been considered a favorite to win the entire tournament, yet only one could advance as they drew each other in the first round. To a casual observer, it would seem that the mohawked one should have an easy time taking down Frodo Baggins, whose man-love for Samwise carried him to an 81% victory over Elijah Wood. However, one must be careful to forget the fatigue factor that must be weighing heavily on Mr. T after the barrage of roundhouse kicks he sustained in his battle with Chuck. Could the biggest upset in Mascot Tournament history be in the works, or will Mr. T end this hobbit jibba jabba once and for all?
Taylor Swift has already gone Keyser Soze on Kanye West, and gotten her revenge from the MTV Music Video Awards. Now she faces another legend of hip-hop in Lil’ Jon. YEEEEEEEE-AH! Lil’ John escaped John Stamos by the narrowest of margins in our first-round, but he’s certainly more likeable than Kanye. In my book, this one’s a toss-up and one of our more intriguing second-round battles!
Sean Connery vs. Richard Nixon vs. Hugh Grant
In an attempt to make things fair, (when in reality, there is nothing remotely fair about this, but it’s fun) we’re adding a triple-threat match to each of the four arms of the bracket. Hugh Grant, fresh off his bannishment from Canis Hoopus, has entered the fray as a contestant in the Celebrity Region. He’ll have a tough time breaking through to the Sweet 16 though, with a first-round powerhouse like Sean Connery in the way. Just to keep things interesting, as Nixon will probably get pummeled here, when you’re exercising your American right to vote, just remember that it’s a Brit and a Scot facing off against your former President.
Betty White vs. Natalie Kane
It’s one smokin’ hot babe vs. another. Really, the only difference between Betty and Natalie is a good 70 years, and the fact that Betty is a 8th level blackbelt and Grand Master of the Masons. Age ain’t nothing but a number!
That wraps up half of the bracket. The other half will be posted tomorrow and we’ll announce the winners who are moving on to the Sweet 16 on Wednesday. Be sure to vote!