The off-season has gone swimmingly so far. I mean, we have subtracted more black players than anyone could have ever imagined, and our team is almost 100% white. In 1950, Kahn gets an infinity A+ for this off-season.

Lesley Johnson is rumored to be gone in a 3-way trade, although with a future 1st round pick from us (learning from McHale, NICE!)  For………. nothing.

Well, we would actually get cap space. Although it’s pretty sad that you have to give up a future 1st round pick to get cap space for an absolutely TERRIBLE player who’s option should have never been picked up in the first place. Had Kahn simply declined the option for a bottom 5 wing in the entire NBA, there would be no financial reprecussions whatsoever. But hey, who’s complaining? Besides me.

So then KAHN wants to use that cap space…………………. to sign another white foreign player (AK-47) to a two-year, $9 million per year deal!  HA! You can’t even make this stuff up!  Subtract a black guy and a future potential black guy, for an old white guy. DEAL.

I mean really, when you are discussing Kahn… it’s like you need to stop before you just embarrass yourself. Because clearly he doesn’t care. And it’s just too easy.

So I went to Cub Foods today to get more bananas (a banana a day keeps the doctor away!)  After way more time spent debating the various bushels than I would care to admit, I thought I picked a pretty good one.  But I just went to refill my Rangpor-diet tonic…. and HOLY SHYT DID I PICK A CRAPASS GREEN BUNCH OF BANANAS! I thought I had some gigantic cucumbers sitting there on our counter. Damn, I epic failed. I am going to need the Jaws of Life to open one of those suckers tomorrow morning. I am more sad right now that I bet any of you would ever believe. Seriously.

People are SAD Wayne is gone?!?!?! WTF is wrong with them? I mean, it’s Wayne Ellington here, whom Kahn should never have drafted in the first place. Kahn could have simply drafted our new tweener CUNNINGHAM that year instead (but Kahn does have Down Syndrome, so pass… I guess?)  Or Kahn could have drafted DeJuan Blair, or Sam Young, or Jon Brockman, or Jonas brother Jerebko, or I shoot when I wanna shoot Meeks, or MARCUS THORNTON SG EXTRAORDINAIRE, or Chase Budinger (LOLOLOLZ the irony!!!), or Danny Green…………………… or Henk Norel. Well played. 

Please click “Read More” for the rest of my off-season predictions…


So with all that said, I guarantee this is how the rest of the off-season will progress. Feel free to disagree if you want, but if so, you are WRONG.

Kahn…

  • Signs Adam Morrison (white skin tone, summer league star, former NCAA star.)
  • Trades Derrick Williams for The Jimmer (white skin tone, former NCAA star.) 
  • Rescinds offer to Brandon Roy. Does not sign him. 
  • Trades Lesley Johnson and 3 future 1st round picks in the rumored three-way trade with the Suns and whatever else team it is that Kahn is trying to make better. Gets nothing in return. 
  • Cuts that blackie not very good player Malcolm Lee.
  • Signs the Russian Rocket AK-47 to a multi-year and overly expensive Kahntract. Makes sure that Kahnumications are kept secret. Breaking news when 31 year old washed up Russian joins the team as our “defensive stopper” on a ground-breaking 14 year, NHL-style deal. We all weep uncontrollably. 
  • Pretends to give Dante Cunningham a 4-year, $44 million Kahntract extension before he is a free agent next off-season. Rescinds offer and laughs in his face. We all weep uncontrollably. 
  • Hires Mark Madsen as an offensive coach, for good measure.
  • Makes sure that white is the color of choice on the walls at Target Center.
  • Has a big wart/zit/tumor thing on the side of his cheek.

 

And that’s about it. If you follow this team, you are as screwed as the rest of us.