(Click above to view a full-sized image of the complete bracket)
The time has come to crown the Official NBA Draft Lottery Mascot for our beloved Minnesota Timberwolves. Day 2 of the 64 contestant tournament will be the 16 members of our Athlete Region. We’ll give a brief description of each matchup followed by a poll where you can vote on who should move on to the second round. Here we go!
The Celebrity Region can be found HERE.
Joe Mauer vs. Robert Swift
VS.
It’s Baby Jesus matched up against an abject NBA Lottery Pick failure. Some might blame Swift’s failings on his knee injury(ies?), but look at him. He was doomed to fail. Baby Jesus, on the other hand, can do no wrong. I’m pretty sure he is about to cure cancer while rescuing orphans from burning buildings, all-the-while hitting CC Sabathia fastballs for 550 feet homeruns.
Please click “Read More” below to see the more of the first-round Athlete Matchups…
One man doesn’t know when to quit, and the other doesn’t know how to quit. Douchy grin vs. chiseled killing machine. You be the judge here.
Starbury vs. The ‘Toine
VS.
The battle between two of the biggest loser Ex-TWolves in the history of our franchise is finally here! I guess you can’t really blame Starbury, being that he’s certifiably insane and all. On the other hand… look at The ‘Toine. He never met a shot (or buffet) he didn’t like.
Oliver Miller vs. Ndudi Ebi
VS.
These two guys just barely made it into the “athlete” region, and for good reason. If Ndudi “The Next Kevin Garnett” Ebi isn’t careful, Oliver Miller will eat him. And I don’t mean that as a figure of speech for losing this first round battle… I mean Oliver Miller would literally eat Ndudi Ebi for lunch if given the chance. Oliver Miller = The ‘Toine’s father? It’s possible. It’s also probably one of life’s great mysteries that will never truly be discovered.
The Rock vs. Brett “The Hitman” Hart
VS.
CAN YOU SMELL WHAT THE ROCK IS COOKING????? This is a battle between two of the greatest wrestling stars. Ever.
Malibu vs. Marty Jannetty
VS.
Battle between two slightly homoerotic men with an “athlete mullet.” Not to be confused with one of the next contestants…
Tiger Woods vs. Ben Roethlisberger’s Rapist Mullet
VS.
This is the battle between two entrants that you don’t EVER want to see your daughter hanging around.
Marko/Adrianna vs. Tom/Giselle
VS.
And finally, we leave you with this epic showdown. Regardless of which pair comes out ahead in this match, I think we are all the winners here.